


New Dawns and Promises

by lonelysector23



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Injury, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-06 01:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelysector23/pseuds/lonelysector23
Summary: Lily realizes a few things about herself.





	New Dawns and Promises

**Author's Note:**

> **Loosely based on some recent life events.

Moonlight illuminated the snow and frozen dirt that crunched under Lily’s boots as she slowly walked down the path back towards Haven’s front gates, her footsteps and an occasional squeaking nug the only sounds breaking the silence around her. She had spent most of the afternoon picking elfroot in the forest close to Haven, and then decided to stay in the empty cabin close to the town when it started to get dark. The overwhelming need to be alone had taken hold of her, and she knew isolating herself was a wise choice the moment she had locked the door behind her and sank down onto the floor as she allowed herself to be consumed by the despair she felt ever since she had arrived from Redcliffe two days prior. 

She had held her mother’s locket in a tight fist when sobs wracked from her chest and hot tears escaped from her eyes until she could no longer breathe from her nose. She didn’t know how long she had sat alone on that cold wooden floor, skin raw from constantly wiping at her face with her sleeves, her eyes swollen and bloodshot as she took deep breaths through her mouth, fighting the urge to vomit. **  
**

She had known she was not going to be able to stay long, yet she was sure she had missed dinner and people would probably be wondering where she was, but part of her didn’t want to go back. She felt as if she couldn’t bear the sight of the people there, the same people who pledged their loyalty and looked at her with so much hope.

Of course, there were also people who looked at her with doubt and wariness, as they should.

She had seen firsthand what would become of the world they knew if she failed - its life, its beauty, its promise of hope and second chances would be completely gone. There would be nothing but death and destruction tinged with green and red.

Two colors she has grown to despise.

Her mind had barely managed to keep itself together as she raced throughout that damned castle with Dorian. When they found Blackwall and Cassandra trapped in prison cells and corrupted with red lyrium, it had felt as if a small part of her sanity had been chipped away. More pieces crumbled off when they found Leliana being tortured and tainted with the Blight. She had known deep down the Inquisition had been annihilated, her fears confirmed when she read a passage in an open journal.

Three tries.

Three desperate tries to lay siege to the impenetrable castle before they were all crushed. The Commander warned her that would happen, and she had foolishly proceeded with her idiotic plan. They had all died because of her and her stupidity. It was only Dorian’s constant reminder that it was an alternate reality and that they still had a chance to set things right that had kept her going at that point.

It was something she had mentally screamed at herself repeatedly when Leliana, Blackwall and Cassandra sacrificed themselves to buy them time to escape. The image of their broken bodies as they were thrown through the doors and Leliana’s anguished expression just before a demon dug its claws into her… she was certain those moments would be seared into her mind for the rest of her life.

 _My name is Lily Trevelyan. I am 26 years old. I came from the Circle in Ostwick. I am currently in Haven. I can feel the cold, damp floor underneath my hands. I can smell the elfroot i picked earlier in my bag. The future Alexius sent us to did_ not _come to pass. I met with my advisors this morning. Cassandra and Blackwall helped me with armor and weaponry after the meeting.  Everyone is alive and well. Everyone is alive and well. Everyone is alive and well._

Lily’s hands had been buried in her hair, tugging at the roots as she repeated the same words over and over again until she began to calm down. She could _not_ allow herself to think about what might happen in the future and only tried to focus on the present. Hours must have passed before she finally managed to get up from the floor.

After carefully wiping her face with a rag and a bowl of stale water, she had finally stepped out of the house and began her slow walk back to Haven.

The bright glow of the campfire shone through the trees as she got closer to the training grounds and came to a gradual stop. Running into someone from her inner circle was the last thing she wanted right now - she felt exhausted and just needed to spend the rest of the night alone. She peered through a few branches and noted with a small sigh of relief that the grounds were mostly empty, only a few soldiers doing their rounds for the night. She quickened her pace as she headed for Haven’s front gates and kept her eyes on the ground as she neared the numerous tents, almost pausing when she heard Cassandra and the Commander engaged in conversation. They must have been somewhere behind the rows of tents since they hadn’t been visible when she scanned the area earlier.

Lily’s legs felt heavy as she continued to walk past the training grounds, hoping she would not be spotted by Cassandra or the golden haired Commander she caught herself gazing at far too much for her liking. She made a beeline to her quarters the moment she walked through the open gates, only hesitating slightly to wave at Varric who called out a greeting by his usual campfire.

She didn’t realize how cold she had been until she stepped inside the small house. The dancing flames of the small braziers on the wall, along with the lit candles throughout the room filled the cozy room with soft light and pleasant warmth. This was the closest she had ever gotten to feeling at home since she had been taken to the Circle, one of the few places where she felt comfort. The few books she had collected occupied the bookshelves, along with a few trinkets and novelties she had brought back with her from her travels. It felt like a space meant just for her, and it was a luxury she never had in the Circle.

A soft caw sounded from the corner of the main room, where one of Leliana’s ravens was perched on a bookcase. Lily knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to let him out of his cage but she didn’t want the bird to be cooped up, and figured he would appreciate the opportunity to stretch his wings. Luckily, the raven quickly took a liking to her, sometimes following her around the room or keeping her company while she reviewed reports and never left the house unless it was to deliver an important message. The bird watched her curiously as she walked over, looking eager as he sauntered to the edge of the bookcase. She stroked the soft feathers on his chest gently, a small smile tugging at her lips as he closed his eyes and puffed his feathers. “Hey, you.”  

His dark eyes followed her movements as she reached into her pocket, taking out a small collection of nuts she had gathered earlier in the day and placed them next to him. He immediately took an interest in them, sorting through the small pile as he gobbled up his favorites first. She left the bird to his meal and walked over to the small desk of the other side of the room. A small pile of letters and reports sat waiting for her. A scout must have delivered them while she was gone, and she felt guilty for not having been round to receive them. She hoped there wasn’t anything that required her immediate attention.

Her breath shook as she sighed. It felt as if she was not yet completely recovered from all the weeping she had done earlier. Her skin was still a little raw and her eyes still felt swollen, and she was having difficulty focusing on the first report when she heard a knock on the door.

Her stomach dropped as she wondered who it might be, and silently hoped her eyes weren’t as puffy as they felt when she called for whoever was at the door to come in.

“Herald?” The scent of warm bread and roasted meat filled the room as Flissa entered the main room holding a small tray containing a rather large piece of buttered bread, a leg of roast chicken and a large mug of tea. “I didn’t see you during supper so I brought something for you in case you were hungry. I’m sorry it’s not much - it was all I could save.”

Guilt settled in Lily’s stomach as she took the tray from her. Flissa was always very busy at the tavern, always cooking and keeping track of her kitchen’s stock to make sure there was enough for all the people in Haven. She must have been exhausted after another long day and yet she was here, making sure she was fed despite the late hour.

Lily dismissed her apology with a slight shake of her head. “This is more than enough. Thank you, Flissa.” she set the tray on the desk. “I apologize for not making it to supper on time. It won’t happen again.”

Flissa’s eyes widened at Lily’s apology. “Oh, it’s no trouble! You’d be surprised how often this happens, especially with the Commander.” She must have seen something in Lily’s expression since her hands flew to her mouth, the tips of her fingers pressing against her lips. “Maker, I’m rambling again, aren’t I? Well, I should get going. Goodnight, Herald!”

Lily smiled at her. “Goodnight, Flissa. Thanks again.”

A small sigh of relief left her once the door closed - she was glad that Flissa didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. If the people in Haven found out the Herald had been crying her eyes out just hours ago, it might dampen morale and undo any progress she had made in gaining their support.

She sat down on the edge of her bed and ran her fingers through her hair, her hands coming to rest on her neck. When was the last time she had eaten well? Before arriving at Redcliffe? She honestly couldn’t remember. Hunger is something she had not felt much lately - not since she woke under Cassandra’s custody in that dungeon with a glowing mark on her hand and a giant hole in the sky. There were times when she tried to eat, merely nibbling at a piece of bread despite Cassandra’s insistence she eat more. Sometimes she would skip meals completely if she was away on a mission. Nausea would sometimes settle in her stomach and during those times, her stomach couldn’t even handle water - warm mint tea would be the only thing she would be able to keep down.

Sleeping wasn’t any easier. It was rare when she managed to get a full night’s rest without cold sweats or nightmares. The horrific things she has seen during her travels… in the future that could have been… these were the things that plagued her mind every night, along with memories of everything she has lost. Most of her nights were either spent awake in bed, staring out of the window or tossing and turning before finally wrenching her eyes open and gasping for air. The healers who would regularly check on her would often insist she take a sleeping potion despite her blatant refusal. She eventually agreed to have at least one on hand in case she decided to take it.

Lily pressed her hands on her knees as she stood, and began to undo the clasps on her coat as she walked over to the medium length mirror hanging on the wall. Weeks without decent sleep or proper nourishment had started to take a toll on her, and her body was beginning to show it. She had never been a thin woman, but now her clothes fit a bit more loosely. Her face looked tired, eyes slightly puffy with dark circles under them, and her skin was paler than usual. Her hair seemed to be in a constant state of disarray no matter how many times she redid her braid.

She shrugged out of her jacket, letting it fall to the floor and pulled her tunic over her head. Her eyes immediately went to the angry, scarred claw marks on her right shoulder. A result from letting her guard down while fighting a bear in the Hinterlands when they were trying to quell the brutality from rogue mages and templars. If it hadn’t been for Cassandra…

Lily didn’t finish her thought as she turned her gaze to the rest of her torso. Bruises of varying sizes had bloomed on her skin - injuries she had gotten from her recent mission in Redcliffe. None were so serious that they would cause her pain when she moved - her armor had lessened the severity of her injuries. Even though she assured the healers that she would tend to them herself, she decided to put it off, choosing to focus her time and energy on what the refugees in Haven needed. She prodded at one just under her left breast, and winced slightly as she pressed down on the tender flesh before looking back at her reflection. She never thought violence of such magnitude would ever touch her skin.

_Most of the people under our protection probably thought the same thing. Not counting the ones we were too late to save._

How many terrified and anguished people has she seen since she awoke in that dungeon?

How many bodies of innocent people had she seen strewn across the ground, killed while they had been seeking safety for themselves and their loved ones?

How many recruits had they already lost, while they bravely fought to protect the people who desperately needed them?

Shame washed over her, hot tears pooling in her eyes once more as she grasped how selfish she was being - she only focused on what she has gone through, without realizing that everyone around her had their own story, their own terrors. Everyone she knew was working tirelessly, trying to set some sort of order despite the chaos raging throughout the lands. They all constantly worked well into the night, dealing with nobles, reports, fortifications, training, requisitions, hungry refugees and looking after _her_ … and they all shared the same fear - that the world they’ve always known might soon come to an end.

And despite that fear, they kept fighting.

Yet here she was, wasting away and slowly losing her mind with every sleepless night that went by, while knowing she was the only key they had to close that damned hole in the sky that threatened to consume the world.

She needed to close the breach.

For the people who have already lost so much, and for the people who have been lucky enough to lose nothing at all.

For the people who looked at her with so much hope, faith and loyalty, willing to fight and put themselves in danger so their families would be safe.

For _herself_ , because she refused to die without seeing the night sky and its glittering stars untouched by that sickly green light.

Lily took a deep breath as she placed her hands on every bruise covering her skin, her touch gentle as she healed her wounds. She plucked an oversized sweater out of the small pile of clothes she kept stacked on a chair and turned to find the raven on the desk, eyeing the tray Flissa had brought for her. A smile tugged at her lips as she rubbed at her eyes, brushing away any unshed tears as she took a seat at the desk and shared her meal with him.

The bird went willingly into his cage for the night and Lily shut the small door after him. He would be able to roam free again in the morning. She stood and walked to her bed, picking up the sleeping potion the healers had insisted she keep on her nightstand and looked at the small bottle in her hand, the light honey colored liquid that promised her a night’s rest free of nightmares and a morning free from the haze of exhaustion splashing inside as she uncorked it and took a sip.

~

Lily awoke the next morning to the ruffling of feathers, her mind clear for the first time in weeks. A soft groan left her as she stretched and relief swept through her body as her muscles relaxed. She took a moment to gaze at the light snow falling outside of her window, and made silent promises to herself and everyone around her as she watched the snowflakes swirl through the air. She climbed out of bed when she heard ruffling feathers again and walked over to her feathered friend, smiling when the bird climbed onto her hand the moment she opened the door.

“Hey, you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading <3


End file.
